Baby Loss - Help and Resources

If you've not seen my social media. Mike and I lost our baby, James, at 24 weeks gestation. Below I've listed some websites and books that have really helped in the nightmare of losing a child.

SANDS

SANDS - Is a stillbirth and neonatal death charity supporting parents during what can only be described as a nightmare. They offer a website, helpline, forums and so much more. I've met many bereaved parents on their forum and knowing that you're not alone and what your feeling is completely "normal" has been such a wonderful thing.

Mariposa Trust

Also known as Saying Goodbye, the Mariposa Trust is another charity helping those who have lost a child. They not only support couples through child loss, they run remembrance services, they're lobbying for the age of baby registration to be lowered (Our James was just 26 hours too early to be registered for his birth or death), and for a high standard of care to be given to all couples, as at the moment what kind of care you and your baby receive is a lottery.

The founder of the Mariposa trust, Zoe Clark-Coates, lost 5 babies and has written an amazing book called Saying Goodbye. The book is a 90 guide through baby loss. It's been an absolute life saver for me personally, it's as though reading my own diary with all the questions and worries answered with kindness and honesty.

Buy it here


ARC

Stands for Antenatal Results and Choices and they're a charity who support parents and healthcare professionals through antenatal screening and what the results mean for the child, parents and those caring for them.


Tommy's

Tommys is a research fund in the causes and consequences of baby loss; in miscarriage, stillbirth, during birth deaths and conditions that mean you have to end your babies life (like we had to with James due to CDH) plus their website also offers great advice to have a great pregnancy.


If you wish to view the vlog where I explain what happened to James watch below or click here.

If you wish to view the video where I explain and describe how to plan a babies funeral watch below or click here.

I hope some of this helps you. If you need a friend or more advice please e-mail me at Lynsey_Ellard@hotmail.com.

L x

Disabled Parenting

Last night as part of the Baby Britain season BBC Three aired a documentary called A Special Kind of Mum, featuring two young mothers, Michelle and Trish, who happened to be disabled.

Michelle has dwarfism and is a single mother to 2 year old Treziah. Trish, suffers with Arthrogryposis a condition that fuses joints together leaving Trish unable to use her arms and legs, together with husband Paul they have three children, Jessica 4, TJ 2 and new born Amber-Jane.

A Special Kind of Mum showed both women tackling their roles as mothers despite the difficulties and prejudice they faced on a daily basis. Both have been told by strangers and loved ones that they should not be mums, that they are selfish to have children in the first place and were both advised by medical staff that they should consider abortions.

Lately since I’m in my late twenties and have been with Mike (boyfriend) for 7 years, I’ve thought about having children and not a week goes by when someone doesn't ask when we’re going to take the plunge and have mini Lynsey’s running around the house.

To be honest I’m absolutely terrified of having children. Like Michelle and Trish I’ll struggle with the day to day tasks of motherhood but my problems will start during pregnancy. I’ll have to forgo the pain medication I rely on and a growing bump will cause all sorts of problems with my spastic muscles causing yet more pain.

I often wonder how will I cope once my children are born?  I’ve ask my nearest and dearest for advice but most people just say “Oh you’ll cope” or “You’ll be fine” no one gives me actual practical advice to specific problems but after watching A Special Kind of Mum I saw how it’s actually done.

Having little to no use of her limbs Trish did everything using her mouth and teeth. From cooking, dressing her children, changing nappies and picking up the baby, Trish is a brilliant Mum. How people have the cheek to tell her she’s a selfish mother to her children I don’t know!

Trish picking up Amber-Jane
(Image borrowed from the BBC)

Looking at Michelle’s gorgeous little boy Treziah, you cannot comprehend how anyone could have suggested for her to have an abortion. Motherhood for Michelle is tough, her son although is only 2 is catching up to his mums height making him harder to control when he’s being naughty. Michelle even goes on to say she’s trying to be super mum to compensate for her disability but she is doing a brilliant job.

Sadly I know parents who have abused and neglected their children, these people are perfectly able bodied and of sound mind and many of them go years or a lifetime never being pulled up on their behaviour and yet Michelle and Trish are called bad mothers for doing a stunning job, how many of you would be willing to change a soiled nappy with your mouth?

There is a lack of advice, equipment and services for disabled parents, many are just sent in the direction of social services. One parent trying to change that is former Hollyoaks actress Kelly-Marie Stewart who has set up a campaign called Invisible Mums so that disabled parents can have an independent life with their children and those who have not had children, like myself, can begin to plan for their children’s lives rather than living in fear that they might not be able to cope or at worst having the children taken into care because they simply cannot cope. You’ll find the petition here please sign it!!

I may not be able to push my future children in their pushchairs, I may not be able to run around with them at the park or be able to carry them down stairs without having to bump them down whilst sitting on my bottom but I know I’ll do the best job I can do. They will be well loved, fed, kept warm and clean, taught their ABC’s and their manners I’ll just have to leave rugby, hide and seek and hockey to their Dad!

Lx

P.s You can watch A Special Kind of Mum online by going here! If you are already a parent and in need of support please go here http://www.dppi.org.uk/ or Tweet questions to @disabled_parent