There are things in life I try not to bring up in social situations; PMT, bowel movements and lastly depression.
People don’t want to hear how rubbish you’re feeling; or at least I thought not. People I’ve spoken to have been great.
I have been finding this relapse really hard work, I have felt at my lowest ebb this past week and am breaking out the tears and tissues regularly. You see, about three months into a bad bout of illness you get fed up not being out seeing people going to events or even just meeting for coffee, I want to go see my friends but on another hand I don’t. What do I talk about when the main thing is my life at the moment is how miserable I feel – not great chit chat!
I apologise to my friends far and near for my lack of contact. I’m alive but not very well. I’ve found myself leaving my phone in other rooms so I don’t have to contact or talk to people, I’ve left my e-mails into the hundreds of unread and it’s ridiculous because not one person I know doesn’t realise what I’m going through at the moment.
Even as I write this I’m tearing up and getting all jittery, which is again silly as it’s not as if any of you can see me right now!
That’s the thing with depression it causes a self pitying feeling verses a “get over yourself” fighting fit nature. One minute I’m in bits on Mike’s shoulder the next I’m plough through e-mails and forcing myself to get one with texting people back.
I have a lot to be thankful for, I’m never ungrateful for my family, Mike, Friends, flat and the clothes on my back but sometimes you need to be a little self indulgent and just let it take hold for a while. Pain is a stressful entity that can almost make you feel like you’re going mad, and at the moment I do feel a little just that....mad.
I’ve had this silly thought going round and round my head that I don’t want to be known just as the girl who is in pain and talks a lot but that is me. I may just be on this earth to talk about the pain but to be honest about it and tell you all when I’m feeling rubbish because then you’ll know that the drugs certainly do not work and in my case I think they’re possibly causing the depression. What can I do but take them, ride the storm of spasms and madness and see you all in between and on the other side!
Forgive my ranting!