Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Doing my own head in!

I’ve been completely frustrated today! I’m utterly overwhelmed with useless thoughts and regrets floating round my head.

This time 10 years ago I would have been celebrating my GCSE (all four of them – but hey I was proud!) results, I can’t quite remember how I celebrated but it was more than likely with a Chinese and a Gateaux.

I remember the excitement of picking up my results and realising I had the grades to do the year long media GNVQ. I’d not been to school for 2 ½ years previously to my exams but had a wonderful home tutor – Margaret, for the six months leading to them.

After 3 years of hospitals, no social life and being a recluse who sat in her room writing to pen pals (which by the way I still have 4!) I was so full of expectations.

2000 Was the new Millennium, my 16th Birthday, college, and the start of a Channel 4 production Big Brother.

No doubt every columnist/blogger/facebook status in the UK has changed tonight to commemorate the end of BB but to me (for at least the first 5 series) it was intriguing to see these people, how they all interacted and what they wanted to do or be. Some have succumbed to the Z list celeb cluster whilst others went back to their lives with the experience under their belt.

This leads me to my frustration. Lack of experiences. 10 years have passed and that quarter life crisis is rearing its ugly head again. I goggled this term, which I first heard in a John Mayer song, and Wikipedia brought up this list

1. realizing that the pursuits of one's peers are useless

2. confronting their own mortality

3. watching time slowly take its toll on their parents, only to realize they are next

4. insecurity regarding the fact that their actions are meaningless

5. insecurity concerning ability to love themselves, let alone another person

6. insecurity regarding present accomplishments

7. re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships

8. lack of friendships or romantic relationships, sexual frustration, and involuntary celibacy

9. disappointment with one's job

10. nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life

11. tendency to hold stronger opinions

12. boredom with social interactions

13. loss of closeness to high school and college friends

14. financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)

15. loneliness, depression and suicidal tendencies

16. desire to have children

17. a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you

18. frustration with social skills

I don’t know how many you have to agree with but I’m on board with 1, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 12, 14, 17 and 18 - I think I might qualify. It’s a sad list that suspiciously looks like a check list to a mental institution. But it seems a common phase in a lot of people’s lives; there are even books on it!

I don’t know... I’m a Gemini; a completely overreacting drama queen. I have these days of real thought and contemplation. It drives Mike mad.

L x

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