Baby Loss - Help and Resources

If you've not seen my social media. Mike and I lost our baby, James, at 24 weeks gestation. Below I've listed some websites and books that have really helped in the nightmare of losing a child.

SANDS

SANDS - Is a stillbirth and neonatal death charity supporting parents during what can only be described as a nightmare. They offer a website, helpline, forums and so much more. I've met many bereaved parents on their forum and knowing that you're not alone and what your feeling is completely "normal" has been such a wonderful thing.

Mariposa Trust

Also known as Saying Goodbye, the Mariposa Trust is another charity helping those who have lost a child. They not only support couples through child loss, they run remembrance services, they're lobbying for the age of baby registration to be lowered (Our James was just 26 hours too early to be registered for his birth or death), and for a high standard of care to be given to all couples, as at the moment what kind of care you and your baby receive is a lottery.

The founder of the Mariposa trust, Zoe Clark-Coates, lost 5 babies and has written an amazing book called Saying Goodbye. The book is a 90 guide through baby loss. It's been an absolute life saver for me personally, it's as though reading my own diary with all the questions and worries answered with kindness and honesty.

Buy it here


ARC

Stands for Antenatal Results and Choices and they're a charity who support parents and healthcare professionals through antenatal screening and what the results mean for the child, parents and those caring for them.


Tommy's

Tommys is a research fund in the causes and consequences of baby loss; in miscarriage, stillbirth, during birth deaths and conditions that mean you have to end your babies life (like we had to with James due to CDH) plus their website also offers great advice to have a great pregnancy.


If you wish to view the vlog where I explain what happened to James watch below or click here.

If you wish to view the video where I explain and describe how to plan a babies funeral watch below or click here.

I hope some of this helps you. If you need a friend or more advice please e-mail me at Lynsey_Ellard@hotmail.com.

L x

ESA Benefit Review

It's vlog week!

I had my Employment Support Allowance Benefit review today. I was terrified. I think this week's blog shows just how distressing the whole process is for disabled people. Let me know what you think!

If you can't see this weeks vlog then please click here! Remember to subscribe and leave a comment too!

Until next Wednesday!
L x

Stairlift to Heaven

After ALOT of money, phone calls, e-mails, 12 weeks and a company I will NOT be recommending, I got my stairlift!

Like many other mobility and disability aids, stairlifts are seen as clinical, ugly and are associated with the elderly. I myself agree with the first two points but many of us are far from elderly and need this equipment to muddle through our daily lives. 

My stairlift joy dance!

So if you’re considering a stairlift, there is no shame or giving in and here’s a modern girls guide to 

stairlifts.

1. Do your research - We did a lot of research into brands, products, and companies associated with stairlifts and still came up a cropper with an uncaring and rude company who didn’t do what they were paid to do. If I was installing a new TV or fridge I wouldn’t have been so angry but this equipment was giving me my freedom!

2. Bags – My right hand controls the stairlift and my left hand is a tad useless, so I have cloth bags both upstairs and down. You pile in all the stuff you need to take up with you that prevents dropping everything and creating a waterfall of crap you can’t pick up, this also works with washing, before I used the bags, I had to hug the dirty clothes and no one needs Mike’s rancid socks so close to their nose!

3. Invest in a lidded coffee cup or flask – I love my morning Dulce’ Gusto skinny cappuccino but my study is upstairs, balancing a hot drink whist controlling the stairlift was fun but nobody has time for a soggy burnt lap.

Safe Coffee

4. Enjoy the ride – There is a law that the lifts cannot go any faster than 4mph and it takes almost two minutes to get upstairs (if you forget anything that’s a 5-minute round trip!) I started to get annoyed that my 2yr old Nephew Alex could overtake me but then I had a thought....

I’m notoriously stubborn. On my good days (which are getting further apart – Gee thanks British weather!) I like to get stuff done and of course, overdo it, so now I see my 2 minute ride on the world’s slowest roller coaster as a time to rest and think about what’s next!

5. Pimp your ride – Yes stairlifts are ugly as sin! You can’t do much with the rails but I plan on learning to use a sewing machine to cover the beige seat in something funky and less drab.

6. Not just for mobility – Stairlifts are, in my eyes, not just for mobility, I fully expect that friends, family or even future teenagers of my own, will get very drunk and I reckon we’ll end up sending them up on the lift to bed plus there’s a seat belt for safety!

My stairlift also has a 125kg weight limit so if Mike and I need something heavy moved upstairs I fully intend to use it to save Mike’s back.

7. Answers nature's call – An unexpected bonus to the stairlifts speed is that you'll achieve very good pelvic floor muscles, because if you’re dying for a pee, you’re not going anywhere fast, so either go before you're desperate or get very good at holding it in!

8. Lastly appreciate the technology – When I was a teenager my parents couldn’t afford a stairlift and the waiting list for a government funded one was huge, so I had to pee in a commode (emptied by my wonderful mum), have a sponge bath in the dining room (also emptied by my patient mother) which is also where I slept for several years, and having the savings to buy my own stair lift when I needed one is a true and brilliant luxury that I’m grateful for.

Until next Wednesday!

L xxx

Video Credit to my Brother Steve who remixed my stairlift video to our mutually loved soundtrack of Blink 182

Tuscany for the #Nutbrook Wedding!

You'll have to forgive such a huge time lapse between blog posts. I'm in the grips of a very bad relapse... possibly the worst I've had in 10 years. I’m using the walking frame that has been in the loft for ten years and getting that out again was a sad day. It sucks BUT it's not the first, it won't be the last and as ever, it could always be worse!

Tuscany

After the hustle, bustle and madness of Rome, we were in need of some R&R, so, after a breakfast in bed, we bid farewell to the Royal Court hotel and headed to Tuscany for the main reason we were driving around Europe - The #NutBrook wedding!

I met Kirsty at secondary school when we were 11, we remained polite "Hi and Bye" buddies until we left school and then became wonderful friends - despite our lives being completely different and cities apart. She and her fiancé Tom had been together for over 10 years and they couldn't be more suited to each other - a truly genuine and lovely couple, we adore.  

We arrived at Castello di Modanella (Castle and wedding venue) just south of Siena. The Castle and estate was incredible, most of the wedding guests were staying on site in converted farm buildings. Mike and I were staying in the former slaughter house, it sounds gross but it was huge, yet cosy and bigger than our own flat (not hard!).

View from our apartment

We found Kirsty after hearing laughing and cackling in the bar, we were greeted by lots of family and friends, introductions were made and wine was already flowing freely, a theme that would continue for the next three days!

After an afternoon of sunbathing we went to dinner with most of the guests in a little town 10 minutes from Castello di Modanella, feasting on gorgeous Italian fair, meeting new people and watching the Sun set over beautiful Tuscany – I was one happy bunny!

Tuscany Sunset

On Friday we made our way into town with a few of the other guests Graham, Zoe and Bruce, for some shopping, a cheeky glass of something, bought pool toys and a water gun, more on that later though....

The bulk of Friday was used for sun bathing and getting to know everyone, my nerves were getting the best of me so I had to make a real effort to chat to everyone – the wine glass always in my hand certainly helped!

Our pool

In the evening the Grooms family had provided a pre wedding BBQ by candle light – we were all stuffed, dancing and to put it mildly - merry! I didn’t help matters... I thought I’d bring a bit of Essex to the event and filled the water gun with Limoncello – which went down very well, especially with the bride and her Dad!

The evening ended at 4am with various fully clothed friends in the pool (looking at you Benny, Gemma, Sarah, Ross!) and a Grease Mega Mix dance off – Yup Essex had landed in Tuscany J

Saturday was the wedding day! We’d all waited 10 years for this day and the excitement was electric! In the morning we took to our “usual” positions by the pool, the heat was incredible so I wussed out taking cover with Sarah – a wonderfully hilarious Australian with a ginger kid curfew!

After brunch many of us attended a pre wedding wine tasting, sampling the estates wines and homemade breads – despite not liking most wines Mike came anyway, I and our table mates Rosie, Natalie and Seb shared his left overs – You cannot waste wine as good as this was!

By 4 it was time to get our glad rags on! I always find wedding outfits difficult to find as most formal summer dresses drag on my wheels but I was happy with an ASOS pink number that also was long enough that I wouldn’t be flashing my knickers at any one!

The castle chapel was stunning and authentically Italian, I found myself getting nervous on the couples behalf. When the time came, I shed a tear, Kirsty looked so beautiful, elegant and graceful as she made her way to Tom who was nervously grinning at the altar. 

The Blushing Bride

The ceremony went perfectly and we headed for the drinks reception where we were treated to wonderful food, drink and a four string quartet. I was chatting to the grooms’ cousins as one of them is an aspiring writer; she was so excited as a lot of the guests were writers (our Bride works for a UK Newspaper) - her enthusiasm was infectious.

When it was time for the wedding Breakfast, Mike and I sort out our table on the planner to find we were with 7 members of a family we had yet to meet! My nerves kicked in once more but I shouldn’t have worried our dinner guests were four of the Smithers brothers and three of their wives/girlfriends, they were so welcoming and chatty.... another side effect of my nerves is that I talk...in over time mode... thankfully no one seemed to bored of my waffling!

Our meal was scrumptious, the speeches were heart-warming and the newly Wed Mr and Mrs Brook looked blissful!

Sadly by the time the band started my body had given up and I was in too much pain to fling my upper half around like I normally do at parties! But guests came back and forth providing me with shots and company and a silver lining to the pain was that I got some epic photos of the night!

The Reception

The party finally ended at 4am, we were all drunk, and laughing, even when the music stopped Mike and Phil  - the best man started an hour long Acapella choir singing hits from Bon Jovi, Spice Girls, Will Smith and Celine Dion... of course they did!

Mike was tie-less, shirt untucked and wearing neon glasses when we got back to our apartment – what a day!

Mike and I

Sunday... we were all very delicate and sad that it was time to part ways; I think we’d made some genuine, lovely new friends, taken hundreds of photos and had tons of new memories! We bid farewell to the Brooks and headed on to the last leg of our European road trip!

Mr and Mrs Brook

Congratulations Mr and Mrs Brook! Xxx

L x

Vidal Sassoon - Salonist - Review

I was asked to try Vidal Sassoons new hair colouring project Salonist, in association with Super Savvy Me.

Ten years ago, I dyed my hair bright red, although unintentional it became my “thing”. Towards the end of my twenties, I took it upon myself to look/act more mature, so I went for sleek black bob. Although I love my bob, my life in general became crazy and far too serious, my Mike joked that my old red hair held my superpowers!

So when I volunteered to dye my hair any colour (except blonde – have you seen my eye brows?) Super Savvy sent me two brunette colourants, a blonde and a glorious red. I posted all the colours on my social media. After all the votes it was decided that I would become a red head once more!

The colours I was sent from SuperSavvyMe 

I hit a snag early on, there was no way any colour was going to cover the black lengths of my hair, so I began the process of stripping my hair. The first lot only made my roots ginger, the second try made my roots blonde and the third set, that I left off my roots left my hair lighter brown but still very dark.

Strip One...

Strip two...

Strip three...

This was a three day process; my pain was through the roof – all in the name of vanity! On day three I just decided to go for it.

The Vidal Sassoon Salonist hair dye works on the bases that our hair roots colour differently to the lengths. So first I covered my roots, I tried using the root brush that came with the kit, but only being able to use one hand fully, I ended up using my fingers, I then added the colour serum meant for the rest of my hair. There was plenty of product to cover my shoulder length do, the Salonist kit didn't have an over powering smell like my similar products do and the colourant was easy to apply.

The Salonist Kit

No, I'm not naked!

I clipped up my hair and covered my head in a carrier bag (Superdrug if you must know!) and waited....

I got in the shower to remove the product, it looked as though I’d recreated the shower scene from the movie Psycho, but it didn’t take long, I then coated my hair in the Salonist conditioner which smelt lovely.

Even though my hair was wet (and therefore darker) I could see that the colour had struggled to cover the lengths of my hair. After I dried it, I had red roots, darker red mid hair and very dark ends eek! BUT I liked it! It looks as though I’d had an ombre treatment but the wrong way around, plus I’ve had three strangers asked me when I had it done!

Post dye roots

 So I’m now semi red head! As my hair grows, I’ll continue to dying it using Vidal Sassoons Salonist as the colour is a lovely warm red and despite all the stripping and dying me hair is glossy and soft!

All in all, I highly recommend Salonist, despite the multi red colours this was my fault not Vidal Sassoons. I will continue to apply my hair, using my fingers rather than the bowl and brush, I’ll probably keep those and use them for paint pots/brushes for my nieces’ and nephews art project –  yet another bonus!

Thanks to Super Savvy Me and Vidal Sassoon for the chance to get back my super powers!

L x

The Proposal!

With Valentine's Day almost upon us, I thought I'd share Mike and I's engagement story. I never got to write about it as my brain was fogged with drama and a heavy dose of codeine! So, for new followers, I'll recap how Mike and I met.

One of my best friends Leanne and I met in an unusual way. My pal Mike P started dating Leanne's buddy Lauren. Suddenly Leanne and I were relationship widows, so we formed a singles alliance built on road trips in Leanne's bright orange 1980's car and a diet of junk food, booze and self pity.

Leanne joined an online social and dating group, she convinced me to join too. I'd met my ex online but had been single for 18 months, although I signed up, I wasn't too fussed about being in a relationship again.

Then I met Mike aka VanillaGorilla and I was LilPinkDuck.. I fancied the pants off him but he lived 80miles away, neither of us drove and I couldn't travel on my own in the wheelchair, so I blocked his profile. Lucky for me, Leanne and even Lauren (who would come up for air occasionally!) kept unblocking Mike or Geology Boy, the nickname they had bestowed upon him.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

The Proposal

9 Years on, the boy and I have a mortgage, a merged DVD collection and have fended off countless questions of marriage and babies. I was very laid back about the whole thing, I know plenty of unmarried couples who are perfectly happy, but every time we'd go on holiday, I'd wonder whether he was going to propose . 3 trips to Australia, 4 to Spain, Ireland and an epic trip to New York later, my hand came back empty.

From day one, Mike had said that he'd want to get married and have two babies by the time we were 30, so when I turned 30 on June 5th of last year, I was a tad confused, none of these plans had materialised and yet we were still happily together.

A year before I turned 30, Mike and his family had booked a holiday to Disneyland Paris combined with a week in Bordeaux in June 2014. Off we went, to the land of fine foods, excellent wines and the happiest place in Europe - Disney!

Disney was amazing, no matter how old you are, the place gives you goose bumps and sore cheeks from all the smiling. On the second day there, Emma, Mike's sister, told us that she'd booked us in for dinner at Jules Verne, the restaurant inthe Eiffel Tower! I was beside myself with excitement, a trip to the centre of Paris with the best views in the entire city!

So, on June 19th Mike and I caught a (double decker!) train to Paris. I thought he was a tad moody, but put it down to him being tired. As we walked out of the train station, we were faced with the Arc de Triomphe, which is so much bigger than I realised. We started walking/rolling into town and there, in the distance, was the Eiffel Tower, the beacon of France, the monument of so many films and TV shows.

The tower was also a lot bigger than I had imagined, it was also majestic and more beautiful than I'd given it credit for. After dropping our stuff off at a hotel we headed for an early dinner.

My oh my! If you ever get the chance to go to the Jules Verne restaurant - GO! The food was simply exquisite, the service was second to none and the champagne flowed beautifully. I felt on top of the world. The France skyline surrounding us, with blue skies immerging - I felt so lucky, maybe too lucky and I have never been so full in my entire life!

After dinner we went back to the hotel so that Mike could change out of his suit and into his infamous Hawaiian shorts. I felt so full, I started to nap but begrudging left the hotel to make the most of Paris.

We had photos of all the views from the Eiffel Tower and none of the tower it's self, so we headed to the grassed garden surrounding the landmark.

There were hundreds of people doing selfies with the Tower. Coach trips, couples, friends and artists huddled together to get the perfect shots. We were no different, using Mike's gorilla pod fashioned into a make shift selfies stick.

We were about to leave when Mike said he had a gift for me, he handed me a package with his sisters address on the front. I opened the gift to find a pad lock with the words "Lynsey Ellard and Mike Garrick together in Paris". I was silly excited as I'd not had a chance to get a padlock made to attached to the famous locks of love bridge, which was on my bucket list.

Moment's before Mike asked

I hugged and kissed the boy, I was so thrilled he had been so thoughtful and romantic but then he told me to check the packaging again for another gift. I felt another padlock and read the words...

"Lynsey Ellard, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with U! Will you marry me?"

I looked at Mike, back to the lock, back to Mike and to the lock once more.

I asked "Really??" Mike laughed, I giggled leapt at him at with a kiss then said "Of course I will...... and finally!!"

I was giddy with joy and Mike explained why he had forgone some of the proposal traditions. He said he was too scared to kneel down, as he was worried I'd keel over, sensible as I have trouble standing at the best of times. He hadn't chosen a ring, this was more my influence, I rarely wear jewellery so I thought it best that we chose it together.  If I was going to wear a ring my whole life - I'd have to love it!

Mike hadn't managed to ask my parents hand in marriage as he had flown in from California hours before we'd left for France, he phoned them straight after the proposal, luckily they said yes!

I spent the next hour calling friends and family (running up a £100+ bill!) although I couldn't get through to a lot of them with signal and overseas phone issues sadly.  Then I completed my very modern love story with a very modern announcement on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter, with the photo below I put the words...

The boy did good!

The ring we chose together

"What a locky girl I am! We're #engaged! The boy #proposed on a lock of love in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris!"

A very ‘locky’ girl indeeed!  

L x

Yay for the Gay!

Today, March 29th 2014, Gay people are finally given the right to same sex marriage in the UK! None of this civil partnership stuff, we're talking; a full wedding in a church, with a vicar and religious vows marriage – finally!!

I’m thankful that the UK is one of the most accepting and liberal countries in the world, but there is still a lot of judgement, prejudice and sometimes hatred towards homosexual people – It.drives.me.crazy!

One of my most favourite people in the world is my cousin, I knew he was gay from the moment I understood what “being gay” was, as did our entire family, but he didn’t officially come out until his late twenties and living with his then boyfriend.

I have said to him since, that it drove a small but significant wedge between us for a while, to which he replied that, despite our closeness he was scared his paternal and maternal families would reject him – even in the 21st Century. I was surprised, but not shocked, especially after seeing a statistic that; a fifth of all people in the UK wouldn't attend a gay wedding. 

With the big hit of the First Kiss film, on Youtube, a new clip has been uploaded.

Homophobic people were asked to hug gay people. It’s incredibly interesting to watch as there are conversations like “How do you kiss another Guy?” Answer: “The same was you kiss a girl!” and statements such as “You’re so pretty to be gay”. They're gay, not aliens.

Watch below.

At a baby shower I went to recently, my friend’s Mother-in-law and I were chatting about everything from weddings, babies, TV, Movies, Food and the subject of homosexuality. Although I didn’t expect her to be quite as blunt, she hit the nail on the head; “The only difference between being gay or straight is how many genitals are in the bedroom".

Last week, there was a programme aired called Cure Me I’m Gay. In the show, celebrity Doctor Christian Jessen, who is openly gay, tried all manner of weird and disgusting “cures” for his sexuality. From self help books, therapy and a disgraceful treatment where he was basically poisoned whilst looking at sexual photos and a tape playing messages that say “Being Gay in wrong” and “It’s unnatural” playing in the room. This treatment was available on the NHS until the 1980’s and it left Dr. Jessen in tears and humiliated.

Dr. Christian Jessen
(Borrowed from DailyMail.co.uk)

In another ridiculous treatment, Dr. Christian was asked to colour in a picture of his brain, the colours apparently showed how gay he was and in the subsequent following sessions, his colour preferences would turn to “straight colours”.

After watching the documentary I had a text conversation with my above mentioned cousin, which went like this:

Me: Did you watch the Cure Me I’m Gay documentary?

Cousin: No, why? Any good?

Me: Well, apparently we can cure your gay-ness by getting you to do some colouring in!

Cousin: I’ll get my felt tips ready!

......24 hours later

Me: Have you done your colouring it yet? Are you straight now?

Cousin: I’m about as straight as a circle!!

...and I wouldn’t have him or any of my gay friends and family, any other way!

L x

Silver Linings

So here we are, once again, at the end of another year! This time last New Year's Eve I was crazy, and I'm not talking: had a few too many wines whilst dancing to Auld Lang Syne with a pair of pink knickers on my head. I'm mean, rocking in my seat, bad thought's running through my brain, crying and pacing the room crazy.

 

This episode was caused by a medication called Gabapentin, which in extreme cases, causes manic episodes. After Tweeting my symptoms I found that many of my chronic pain suffering friends had, had the same issues. Annoyingly I was on 9 Gabapentin tablets a day, so it took until March/April for me to get the stuff out of my system. As a consequence I don't really remember November 2012 to March 2013, I feel as though I've been cheated out of 5 months!

I always try to see a silver lining to every dark cloud and having such bad mental health has made me grateful for "just" being in physical pain. I am in my usual winter relapse with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, but I much prefer the spasms and furious burning pains to mental anguish, I'm suddenly taking my fairly serious neurological condition with a pinch of salt. Although I have always been considerate and understanding in mental health issues, but now having experienced a minor breakdown I have a new respect for those in metal turmoil.

I've found I'm now more content with life in general and I'm coping with stress a lot better than I ever had - bonus.

Don't worry 2013 wasn't a bad year at all in the end. The highlight being the birth of my niece Abigail in January, followed by 12 days in New York with Mike and finally having work published in our local paper taking a shiny and bright bronze.

 

So what do I have planned for 2014? Well, I turn 30, finally leaving my weird and wonderful twenties behind. There is a huge possibility that Mikes work will be taking he and I to live Denver, Colorado..... yes the one in America! This being made doubly hard because my sister and her partner Dan are expecting a baby in June!

 

Niece or Nephew...coming soon! 

 

I plan on writing more for this blog, local papers and a few other projects on the horizon, you never know what opportunities will pop up. That's why I love the symbolism of New Years Eve and all the traditions of New Years day, time for new starts, new plans and the wonderment of new memories to be made.  

I'll be holding competitions and opening up this blog to new writers and projects, so keep your eyes peeled.

 

Anyway, I'll keep you no longer, have a wonderful NYE where ever you are and I wish you all a happy and healthy new year!

L x