There are things in life I try not to bring up in social
situations; PMT, bowel movements and lastly depression.
People don’t want to hear how rubbish you’re feeling; or at
least I thought not. People I’ve spoken to have been great.
I have been finding this relapse really hard work, I have felt
at my lowest ebb this past week and am breaking out the tears and tissues regularly.
You see, about three months into a bad bout of illness you get fed up not being
out seeing people going to events or even just meeting for coffee, I want to go
see my friends but on another hand I don’t. What do I talk about when the main
thing is my life at the moment is how miserable I feel – not great chit chat!
I apologise to my friends far and near for my lack of
contact. I’m alive but not very well. I’ve found myself leaving my phone in
other rooms so I don’t have to contact or talk to people, I’ve left my e-mails
into the hundreds of unread and it’s ridiculous because not one person I know
doesn’t realise what I’m going through at the moment.
Even as I write this I’m tearing up and getting all jittery,
which is again silly as it’s not as if any of you can see me right now!
That’s the thing with depression it causes a self pitying
feeling verses a “get over yourself” fighting fit nature. One minute I’m in
bits on Mike’s shoulder the next I’m plough through e-mails and forcing myself
to get one with texting people back.
I have a lot to be thankful for, I’m never ungrateful for my
family, Mike, Friends, flat and the clothes on my back but sometimes you need
to be a little self indulgent and just let it take hold for a while. Pain is a
stressful entity that can almost make you feel like you’re going mad, and at
the moment I do feel a little just that....mad.
I’ve had this silly thought going round and round my head
that I don’t want to be known just as the girl who is in pain and talks a lot
but that is me. I may just be on this earth to talk about the pain but to be
honest about it and tell you all when I’m feeling rubbish because then you’ll
know that the drugs certainly do not work and in my case I think they’re
possibly causing the depression. What can I do but take them, ride the storm of
spasms and madness and see you all in between and on the other side!
Forgive my ranting!
L x
Nothing to forgive, you have put into words exactly how I feel too from time to time, fed up being isolated, but withdrawing more and more and therefore becoming more and more isolated. It's a bitch. Just as long as you keep coming back to your blog whether on top of the world - or not, there are many of us who care and want to know. **hugs**
ReplyDeleteI think it's the right thing to share what you really feel with other people. Because many of them feel the same and will support you at those times
ReplyDelete