Quick Christmas Update

I’ve reread my last post; I was fairly fraught with nerves and anxiety wasn't I? Luckily I’ve calmed down a lot and it wasn’t depression, which I’m incredibly relieved about. It turns out one of my medications was making me a bit loopy and out of sorts! I attempted to go cold turkey but that only made things 10x harder so I’m back on the medication (a pain reliever) and coming off it slowly and carefully.

Although this now means I’m in more pain, I’d rather deal with that than cope with panic and anxiety attacks. I now have a real empathy for real depression sufferers, who deal with those horrible feelings and thoughts 24/7 and can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I also can see why drug addicts find cold turkey so hard and distressing.

Anyway, on a lighter note; It’s Christmas!! I’m in Hastings visiting Mike’s family and finally feeling festive; I’ve kind of missed all the build-up due to being so I’m my own little world but I’m looking forward to seeing our niece and enjoying the company, the food, TV and the presents!

I’m wishing all my readers a pain free, stress free Christmas, try to enjoy it all, saviour the build-up, the day and the winding down to the closing year, it will all go so fast that we’ll be in mid-January before we know it!
Much love and festive wishes
L x

Shhh don’t talk about it...

There are things in life I try not to bring up in social situations; PMT, bowel movements and lastly depression.

People don’t want to hear how rubbish you’re feeling; or at least I thought not. People I’ve spoken to have been great.

I have been finding this relapse really hard work, I have felt at my lowest ebb this past week and am breaking out the tears and tissues regularly. You see, about three months into a bad bout of illness you get fed up not being out seeing people going to events or even just meeting for coffee, I want to go see my friends but on another hand I don’t. What do I talk about when the main thing is my life at the moment is how miserable I feel – not great chit chat!

I apologise to my friends far and near for my lack of contact. I’m alive but not very well. I’ve found myself leaving my phone in other rooms so I don’t have to contact or talk to people, I’ve left my e-mails into the hundreds of unread and it’s ridiculous because not one person I know doesn’t realise what I’m going through at the moment.

Even as I write this I’m tearing up and getting all jittery, which is again silly as it’s not as if any of you can see me right now!

That’s the thing with depression it causes a self pitying feeling verses a “get over yourself” fighting fit nature. One minute I’m in bits on Mike’s shoulder the next I’m plough through e-mails and forcing myself to get one with texting people back.

I have a lot to be thankful for, I’m never ungrateful for my family, Mike, Friends, flat and the clothes on my back but sometimes you need to be a little self indulgent and just let it take hold for a while. Pain is a stressful entity that can almost make you feel like you’re going mad, and at the moment I do feel a little just that....mad.

I’ve had this silly thought going round and round my head that I don’t want to be known just as the girl who is in pain and talks a lot but that is me. I may just be on this earth to talk about the pain but to be honest about it and tell you all when I’m feeling rubbish because then you’ll know that the drugs certainly do not work and in my case I think they’re possibly causing the depression. What can I do but take them, ride the storm of spasms and madness and see you all in between and on the other side!

Forgive my ranting!

L x

2011 A Bad Boyfriend?

Hey,

How are you all? Is January treating you well? I hope so! It’s hard after Christmas, the New Year kicks in so fast it’s almost as if the festive season was mince pie filled dream!

The initial flourish of resolutions, diets and general optimism for the better person in us all, is usually starting to deplete at a rapid rate by now, but this year I feel different.

As I mentioned in my last post 2011 was a hard year for my family and there were events through the twelve months that seemed to keep pulling me down, and I felt like I was teetering on the edge of another depression bout.

Despite the usual pain I’m in, I have been suffering with hip and knee pain that wasn’t in my normal portfolio of ailments. I hit my biggest weight over Christmas and after telling a friend about these problems, she remarked that these were the pains she had whilst pregnant. Now regular readers will remember this (CLICK HERE - to read my shame!) and the remark from my niece and again it’s taken for me to be told that my body in some way relates to that of a Mum to be, before I do anything about – stupid really isn’t?

And although some months ago I declared no more diets I feel if my fat is causing more pain on top of my usual ones I would be stupid to ignore it.

I joined WeightWatchers online two weeks ago, but since Christmas I’ve lost 6lb. I’m in what you would call the honeymoon period of the diet, but that’s just it I don’t feel like I’m dieting at all, I find point counting almost fun, finding as many ways of eat as much as I can without going over my allotted points – yesterday I even had mince pie ice cream with 3 points still left over by bedtime! 

But do you know what I think I’ll succeed this time because unlike last year I only have your average run of the mill problems or worries not court cases and heartbreak. And in hard times I’m your classic comfort eater. My friends are sick of me and my weight issues but so far I cannot say a bad word about WW. 

I almost feel like 2011 was a bad boyfriend who I’ve dumped. I’m in a “New Me” phase and I’ve thrown out half my wardrobe, got a new bed and duvet sets, we’ve started preparing for a new kitchen plus I’ve got 2 hen do’s, 3 weddings, 1 holiday booked (with two more in the pipeline), a family reunion party already booked up for this year – it’s looking fun (and expensive – less money to buy junk food with I suppose!).

I hope this optimism lasts, as well as my will power, I’m sure you’ll hear all about it soon enough. What about you guys? Are we all still feeling positive and fighting off the January blues? Let me know!

Right I’m off to go count weight watchers points, I have a cupcake course on Monday I need to calculate how many points per cake I bring home, I can eat and still enjoy Nando’s tomorrow – simple things!! Will let you know how I get on.

L x

Onwards and Upwards

Hello!

I know I’ve disappeared from Ladygogo land this last fortnight, predictably the main reason for this was Christmas – my favourite time of year! I was making up for being so depressed last year. I don’t actually remember buying, wrapping and enjoying the festive period of 2010 until the day itself – very unlike me. But this year I almost drowned in mulled wine, have gained at last half a stone in cheese and party food, have carefully chosen and wrapped all my gifts and Christmas day was a gloriously mad day surrounded by the Ellard brood and Mike who’s arrived back from New Zealand on the 23^rd.

I’m now in Sussex for Christmas II with the Garrick clan, no less glorious or fun, will gain yet another half a stone in cheese and probably embarrass myself playing Articulate and Trivial Pursuit – luckily this is my 6^th Sussex Christmas so they’re well aware of my Christmas related habits.

As I write this there are a mere 13 hours until 2012 begins… New Zealand is already there. As always I love to contemplate the year past and plan for the one ahead.

2011 was governed by the safety and arrival of three special packages into the Ellard fold. It’s been a battle and yet totally necessary. I am in complete admiration of my parents, they have a hard 18 years ahead of them and subsequently the entire family do so too. But when the youngest precious package told me over the phone yesterday that not only was he playing with his “Race-ing caaars!” that he “loved me” - my heart melted and the struggle seemed worth it.

Other 2011 highlights included Australia in January, Centre Parks, Butlin’s and Spain followed. The baby boom of 2010 of course resulted in a succession of 1^st Birthday Parties including my beautiful Niece Beth sharing her day with her Mummy’s 30^th and her Daddy’s 40^th in a giant Summer bash. The two very messy hen do's were great fun, I had a ball at Leanne's and Kit's and sadly missed Jo and Jon's due to a suspected heart attack, which was actually just a chest infection - such drama, wouldn't be a complete year without it! 

Can you guess what/where is it yet?

Family Reunion :)

In Spain

Mike’s career seems to be on the up he’s been to Australia, New Zealand, Holland, America, Spain with stop over’s in Hong Kong, L.A and Singapore this has resulted in him being away for 222 days this year – I thought I was being pathetic missing him as much as I have turns out there was a good reason – I’m hoping to see more of him in 2012 lol!

Apart from my own health issue’s getting worse I can’t really complain about the last 12 months, I was lucky not to lose anyone special and my loved ones continue to stay happy and healthy.

As for the new year I want to write, travel, see more of the people I love, start saying no to those I don’t, finish decorating our flat, read more, cook more and maybe feel better via new therapies I plan on trying, since conventional medicine is doing bugger all for me!

I wish all of my readers, old and new; a fabulous new year filled with fun, great health, less pain, mystery and more excitement.

Have a brilliant New Years Eve where ever you are, eat be merry and come back soon!

L x

Trust in Me

Earlier this year my friend visited me for dinner when she asked me to be her official wedding photographer. I was so elated that her and her Husband to be considered me to be a good enough snapper and I was excited for a real chance to exercise my SLR camera to its full potential.

Then in dawned on me, this was a test of my own personal potential! A once in a life time day,  this lovely couple would be caught by me and my artistic eye, their special day stored on my compact flash memory card, their dewy doe eyed snaps depending on my Photoshop skills.... big surprise... I started to panic... now this I do to my 100% potential!

As the saying goes “Fail to Prepare or Prepare to Fail” – this was certainly not an option and as they day drew nearer I started a military plan of attack. Youtube hits in “Wedding Photography” and “Flattering Lighting” must have had a 20% rise. I spent hours going through friend’s wedding photos and photographer’s websites, many an evening looking up Photoshop tutorials in fancy tricks (technical name you know!) plus reading countless Wedding Forum feeds. My internet history reads worse than any ferocious Bridezilla.

The Big Day finally arrived (yesterday!) and after getting up at 6am to check my equipment was charged and ready, checking it again, and once more for luck and paranoia. I went to do the pre wedding photos at my Brides house. I was handed a Mimosa and a bowl of chocolates – it was going to be a good day!

Now anyone reading this thinking; photography isn’t that just point and click? Get over yourself love! Have you seen all the buttons and settings on an SLR? Don’t forget I’m pretty much a professional amateur!

Although loved my “job” so much! It was hard at moments trying to take photos through tears (of happiness) and my heart spent the day thudding against my ribcage, I’d never realised how much attention is drawn towards photographer, I could feel people peering over my shoulder as I worked and when I was approached by a family member of the couple, asking how many weddings I had done, the colour draining in their face was only mirrored by my own white worried complexion.

The parents of my lovely bride bought me a few ciders as the afternoon wore on and I finally relaxed a little, my newlywed couple continued to thank me for doing a great job despite not seeing any of the pictures – their unfaltering faith in me jangled my nerves until I finally got home to view the photo’s through my fingers, holding my breath.

Lo and behold.... I pulled it off!... My newly married couple will of course be the final judges but it turns out I can work all those buttons and settings!

Will I do another wedding? Never say never but probably not, I loved the honour of catching these intimate moments, but my legs and blood pressure wouldn’t thank me!

L x

Please....

Go here and read a piece I've written on depression for my collumn @ http://www.mytownsouthend.com/ and let me know what you think?

Ta x