I'm not ill for kicks!

I’m having a rough day. I know that I have to rest in hopes of a better day tomorrow, but weirdly I find it hard to do that. Although my day’s at the moment consist of writing, comping (entering competitions) seeing friends and housework, on day’s like today I have to stay on the sofa, TV on and do nothing.

I feel guilty for doing this. Helping family and friends with admin tasks and researching pieces for them on Google makes me feel useful. This is, I’ve found, a common feeling amongst disabled/ill people who are on benefits, those who are genuine cases, feel terrible not feeling well enough to do the most mundane tasks. I feel like that today.

Mike is at my mum’s house doing DIY for her and the two things on my list of things to do were 1. Get up 2. Go to Sainsbury’s. I managed one those and since I’m sat on my sofa, Jeremy Kyle on in the background (for amusement) you know which one that is.

I'm not ill for kicks!!

Tonight I was meant go to my friend Jo’s house for a girls night in and a Chinese but since I’m feeling so rough and Jo lives in a first floor flat with no lifts, I can’t go.

I’m not writing this piece for sympathy. But I wanted to write this blog to open people’s minds to illness and disability and that just because we may not look ill put simply: we are suffering.

Yesterday was a good day I felt quite well I went out on my mobility scooter, I had put on make-up, made sure I’d straightened my hair and wore nice clothes. I had two reactions the first was a man came up to me and asked if I had stolen my grandmothers scooters “for kicks” and the second was an elderly couple came to tell me that it was such a shame I was a pretty girl. The couple had meant to be sweet but I didn’t really feel that great after either throw away comment, especially after being accused of theft!

So today I’m struggling with HAVEING to rest, I don’t want to be sat here with Jeremy Kyle for company but I HAVE to not want to, it’s not a choice.

As I said in the beginning I’m hoping for better day tomorrow or at least in two day’s time as I have Halloween drinks and Afternoon tea on Saturday!

Wish me luck!

L x

Paused

Hi All,

I wanted to write a letter to you all, keeping you up to date on my little world and adventures. Well, I say adventures but my life seems to have paused for the time being.

The old CRPS pain is putting me through the mill, whilst kicking me in the shin and stomach then covering me in oil and feathers for comedy effect.

I’m suffering, the pain is bad, and possibly getting worse, my lovely GP has put up my medications (of which there are now 9 of them!) so I should be grateful for them taking the edge of the burning, twisting and spasms but in the process of all these medications, I’ve lost my mind somewhere along the way, I’ve become a dozy mare and forget where my shoes, stick, handbag, phone etc are, on a regular basis.

I spend half my days on the loo and the rest of the time guzzling water to combat a wonderfully yucky side effect of a dry mouth, I’m talking Sahara desert dry, tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth dry – all while my left leg has such terrible spasms and cramps that I’m practically Irish dancing whilst sat down - I’m so attractive right now!    

My social life has taken a hit too – the ultimate price of illness, you see less of your family, friends and the outside world and when you do see any one you apologise for forgetting their visit was ever occurring and then do an Irish dance whilst they look at you in full pity!

I’m seeing some friends for a Halloween night out and have said I’ll only be out until my bed time – which is currently 10pm at the latest – it sucks!

On a more positive note The Gogo scooter died *sad* but I do have a new mobility scooter called an Eclipse *yay!*. So we’ve named him MR Eclipse as he’s more robust that the old Gogo and no I won’t be changing this blog name as I’ll then seem like I’m married to a mobility aid and as crazy as I feel I’m going at the moment I’m not THAT loopy just yet!

Mr Eclipse!

L x  

Shall I grow my monobrow?

Mike’s back tomorrow, he’s only been gone a fortnight but I’m as excited as ever!

I have this ritual that I clean the house, cook a requested meal and make sure that I’m plucked, dyed, shaved, buffed and painted to perfection, so he comes home and thinks “yeah there’s a reason I keep coming back”. Some of you may think this is very 1950’s housewife but I do not care!

Today is eyebrows, moustache and nails; tomorrow morning will be dedicated to the rest. It’s hard work maintaining this bod especially when throwing up in between!

Cupcake Nails by my Sister Nicola

Don’t get me wrong I do all of the above even when Mike’s away I’m not some Neanderthal woman all stubble and split ends and I certainly don’t work hard on my appearance just for Mike; it’s mainly for me and my self confidence.

Self confidence is such a delicate thing, mine especially, I spend a silly amount time doing my face and hair every morning because people still comment that “you look nice for someone in that (wheelchair)” or “Wow your quite pretty for disabled person” or my utter favourite being when a young lad kissed his teeth and declared that I was “a fit unable”.

It’s not as if us disabled folk think “Oh well, my legs are buggered so I’ll let my monobrow grow out!”

On Friday alone night I’d borrowed my sister Nicola’s curlers to only look like an electrocuted scarecrow in search of those wavy effortless curls my sister sports... effortless my arse!

But imagine being a celebrity all that attention on your hair colour and size of your thighs, my internal critic is enough let alone other people printing my flaws.

One of my favourite bloggers the Beautiful Betty Bee wrote a wonderful piece on the Daily Mail Newspapers’ abuse of Clare Richards (a la’ Steps) and her weight Read here. The piece got me thinking; we (not just women, society) beat ourselves up too much in the quest to look fabulous, but how many of us truly believe in our own fabulous-ness? Betty has started a campaign to get her readers to submit their most treasured outfit that makes them feel like a goddess see/like/submit here!!

I was looking through the 1000+ photos of me on Facebook and although I agree I scrub up well and am looking good after following Weight Watchers (1 ½ loss maintained 1/2 st more to lose but I’ll tackle that when I’m fit and able or is that a “fit and able unable?” according to my admirer!) but I’ve never truely felt stunning and I wish I had done or at least thought to myself “damn girl you’re hot!” and actually believed it, sad isn’t it?

But just how do we boost self confidence? Tips please?? Recommended reading material? Until then I’m off to ponder this over a tub of Jolene.

L x